Do These Robes Make Me Look Fat?
by Sweet'n'Sour
Summary: Voldie is one of my favorite characters so flame away. Anyway Voldie explores his feminine side. This is short and only a sample of this type of work. It's PG because it just is.
1. Voldie Is That You?

Disclaimer: These Characters are not mine they are JK Rowling's. I claim no ownership over this story except for this original plot.  
  
Do These Robes Make Me Look Fat?  
  
And many other feminine queries and qualms of Voldie.  
  
Voldie stood before a three-way mirror. He stroked his beardless chin and said to Wormtail, " Do these robes make me look fat?"  
  
"No my lord, but I can see your Marvin Miggs underroos." Wormtail replied with blatant amusement in his voice.  
  
"Excuse me boyfriend, but these," Voldie scoffed indignantly, picking a wedgie, " are Harry Potter underoos."  
  
"Isn't he the boy we want to kill?" Said Wormtail lazily looking up from The Dark Community Chronicle.  
  
"AAARGH", Voldie cried in frustration, "The imbeciles I have to work with. Can't you see what wonderful fashion sense that boy has?"  
  
"Um sir didn't he ruin your powers fifteen years ago?" Wormtail said hesitantly.  
  
"That doesn't affect how stunningly handsome and fashionable I think he is! What does that have to do with anything?"  
  
"Oh nothing sir nothing at all."  
  
"Put my music on. You ass... getting my blood pressure up..." Voldie muttered.  
  
"Sorry sir." Wormtail said with an apologetic air. He slipped in the Shakira CD. He didn't see the appeal of a Muggle singer, but at least is kept Voldie occupied. Wormtail slipped out of the room.  
  
"Whenever, Wherever we'll always be together." Voldemort belted out the high notes. And as he was doing his interpretive dance Wormtail sidled back in in time to see Voldie swinging his arms and jumping, while intoning, "I'm a lilting leaf, I'm a floating flutterby."  
  
Voldie looked up into the mirror and setting eyes on shrieked, "Wormtail!"  
  
"What now sir?" Wormtail replied in an irritatingly greasy voice.  
  
" You know perfectly well what happens at 2 in the afternoon... my pedicure. You know how important it is for my evil toesies to be pretty." Voldie said smiling and wiggling his hairy, disgusting, fungus infected toes.  
  
"Oh. Ok to the spa then master." Peter said with a horrible forced smile. His voice however was overrun with disgust.  
  
  
  
A/N Please tell me if this is stupid or cool. I have never written humor before. If you like it I will write more.  
  
Other Disclaimer: The song, "Whenever Wherever" belongs to Shakira, I may have gotten the words wrong, Oh Well. 


	2. Harry Potter Loco

Do These Robes Make Me Look Fat?  
  
And many other feminine queries and qualms of Lord Voldemort.  
  
Voldie pulled on a pink silk bathrobe and slipped into fluffy pink bunny slippers. He skipped down the hall after Wormtail still humming "Whenever, Wherever" by Shakira. When they finally reached the spa room, Voldie said:  
  
"You know maybe this room needs new curtains, I mean the Venetian blinds were great but I feel that this room needs something lacy and fluffy." Voldie said thoughtfully.  
  
"Well sir what kind of tea do you want today?" Wormtail asked, uncomfortable that his murderous master was worried about curtains.  
  
"Um... Citrus Lime, you know its vapors are great for opening pores."  
  
"No I didn't know."  
  
"Before you go, can you bring me my copy of Witch Weekly?"  
  
"Absolutely." Said Wormtail, why can't he read The Dark Community Chronicle like any other self respecting Death Eater?  
  
"Well I don't have all day; I still have to have my toes painted, my leg hair permed and my chest waxed." Snapped Voldie impatiently.  
  
"Yes sir right away sir." Cried Wormtail scuttling off to get Voldie's tea.  
  
Voldie picked up Witch Weekly and saw none other Harry Potter. He shrieked happily and got up and danced around. Wormtail came flying back in to see Voldie shaking his ass, while humming "I See You Baby Shaking That Ass..."  
  
"Guess who's on the cover of Witch Weekly!" Voldie cried hysterically, oddly reminiscent of an N*Sync crazed thirteen year old girl.  
  
"Harry Potter." mumbled Wormtail, knowing that only the boy who lived could make Voldie that happy.  
  
"You peeked you bloody fool. Get over here and file my toenails."Voldie muttered the excitement ebbing away.  
  
"What color polish would you like sir?" Asked Wormtail in a business like manner.  
  
"Ummm... I think bright red with sparkles." Said Voldie thoughtfully.  
  
"Ok sir." Wormtail said.  
  
As Wormtail filed and painted Voldie read Witch Weekly cover to cover, and while he read the interview with Harry he giggled and said: "Harry Potter, such a clever and handsome boy!" every few lines.  
  
"Wormtail, go get my robes ready for the Death Eater's Ball. They have to be extra beautiful, so Lucius will want to dance with me. While you do that I'll take a nap." Said Voldemort, thoroughly exhausted after the afternoon of primping.  
  
A/N next chapter Voldie will attend the Death Eaters Ball. Maybe a romance...  
  
Disclaimer: These characters are J.K. Rowling's and not mine. I am making no money off this story.  
  
  
  
PLEASE R/R!!!!!!! 


	3. No one loves me!

Do These Robes Make Me Look Fat? And many other feminine queries and qualms of Lord Voldemort.  
  
By: Hayley Annette Izabella  
  
Voldie sat up on his pink futon bed, thoroughly refreshed by his nap. He pressed the intercom button.  
  
"At your service my lord..." Followed the voice of Wormtail from the dressing room.  
  
"Are my robes ready yet?" Voldie said impatiently.  
  
"Yes they are my lord. I just pressed them and now they are hanging in your closet." Assured Wormtail.  
  
"Well it is, 4 o'clock, Do you know what that means?" Voldie replied, obviously pleased at Wormtail's efficiency.  
  
"Umm... time to...." Peter began.  
  
"...polish my lovely bald head." Voldemort supplied.  
  
"Right. I'll be up momentarily." Wormtail said.  
  
***  
  
A split second later Peter appeared clutching a jar of aloe and beeswax lotion. He rushed over to Voldie and proceeded to slather the concoction onto Voldie's baby butt smooth head.  
  
"Ahh yes that is refreshing." Voldie intoned.  
  
"I'm sure it is sir." Said Wormtail greasily.  
  
"On second thought Wormtail, this ensemble lacks a certain ethnic quality." Voldie murmured thoughtfully.  
  
"What exactly do you mean?" Peter asked dreading the idiotic answer he would receive.  
  
"I don't know I just don't feel gangster enough in these robes. I mean I might be more comfortable in some baggy denim jeans a white tee and a pair of Timberlands with plenty of ice." Voldie said using Ebonics in every other word.  
  
"Are you sure you should wear Muggle clothes to a Death Eater's Ball my lord?" Wormtail said warily.  
  
"I can do whatever I jolly well please, I know my dashing good looks and amazing charm afford me that luxury." Voldie almost shouted indignantly.  
  
"Yes my lord, I will have the afore mentioned items ready within the hour..."  
  
"After you finish polishing my head."  
  
"Of course my lord."  
  
***  
  
Voldemort sat reclined in his Genie Bottle Room inspired by Carmen Elektra's episode of Cribs. He was watching the new Eminem video on TRL.  
  
"Carson is such a HOTTIE!!!!" He shrieked like a thirteen year-old teenybopper.  
  
"Sir..." Wormtail muttered sheepishly, his head peeped in through the beaded curtain.  
  
"You are interrupting, I was just about to see who had the number one video!!! I bet it's that "Complicated" song." Voldie called still not taking his eyes from Carson's sweet visage.  
  
"What song?" Wormtail asked hesitantly.  
  
"Oh you know.... "TAKE OFF ALL YOUR PREPPY CLOTHES..." that song." Shouted Voldie in an irritating nasal voice.  
  
"Oh you mean "WHY'D YA HAVE TO GO AND MAKE THINGS SO COOOOMPLICAAATED?" Countered Wormtail in an even more obnoxious tone with the diva hand motions to go with it.  
  
Hearing all this Nagini hissed and slithered out of the room, obviously disturbed at how the leader of the Dark Community didn't even know the difference between a chorus and a verse.  
  
"Nagini, that hurt my feelings. How could you not like my singing?" Voldemort proceeded to sob into his bed of tasseled pillows.  
  
"Wah Wah Wah ..........."  
  
"Sir your singing isn't terrible. I rather enjoy it."  
  
"You did?" Voldie said in an almost happy voice his disgusting snake-like face peeking out from under the pillows.  
  
"Well on second thought..... Don't ever do it again." Stated Wormtail thoughtfully.  
  
"No one loves me! No one wants to be my date to the Death Eater Ball! I'll never fall in love. Never! Never! Never!" Voldie screamed and threw himself back onto the cushions and kicked his feet and pounded his fists.  
  
Wormtail crept out of the room without another word.  
  
***  
  
Two more hours have passed and Voldie is asleep in his Genie Bottle thoroughly exhausted after pitching such a fit earlier.  
  
"Sir you really must get ready now. The Ball starts at seven thirty. And it is six o'clock now. You're really going to have to hurry." "You're right. I haven't even shaved my legs and I was planning on wearing open toed go-go boots with that jean skirt. So I'll have to shave my big toes too."  
  
"Then I suggest you hop in the shower. Go on now. I'll lay out all the possible outfits on your futon."  
  
Voldie skipped into his bathroom made a second mental note about the Venetian Blinds and shed his robes. He turned the shower to the highest pressure and let the hot water sooth and exfoliate his back. Ten minutes later he turned off the tap and wrapped himself in a fluffy pink towel and slid into his bunny slippers.  
  
Upon reaching his dressing room he examined the outfits for the evening. The first was a short cut-off denim mini skirt and an N*Sync t- shirt with the sleeves and neckline raveled for that messy look. The second ensemble was a leopard print stretchy skirt and a black three-quarter- length sweater and a pair of classy black sunglasses. The third and most appealing choice was a stonewashed to the knee jean skirt and a gauzy baby- blue peasant blouse with a drawstring neckline.  
  
Snatching the third outfit Voldie stepped into the jean skirt and zipped it up. Next sliding into the peasant blouse. Glancing into the mirror Voldemort grinned at his reflection. He was a knockout. Voldie slipped his feet into the high-heeled tan boots and looked at his toenails peeking out of the openings at the ends. How cute! Next he put on his iced out Rolex and his sterling silver oversized cross. He tugged a blue do-rag over his bald head and slipped his arms into some lightweight baby-blue robes.  
  
"I look perfect! How will they be able to resist me?" And with a splash of Clinique happy he waltzed out the door yelling for Wormtail to fetch his wand.  
  
A/N Sorry this chapter took so long, I have been quite busy this summer. I suspect only Shelly will review this but we shall see we shall see. Hope you guys like it. Next chapter sometime next week hopefully. Quality over quickness I dare say. Later! ~Hayley  
  
Disclaimer: Complicated lyrics belong to Avril Lavigne, sorry I butchered them. Also adorable Voldie and crew belong to J.K. Rowling in some less grotesque form. 


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